A Seemingly Purposeless Life

I don’t know how many people will read this.  Honestly, I don’t even know why I’m sending this out into the void of the internet.  But here we are.

I’m broken.

The past few weeks of my life have been the most devastating to me than any other two weeks in my whole existence.  I dropped out of interior design school (due to financial issues) to work full time, only to find that my existing degree doesn’t really set me up for success in the job field.  Our finances are in shambles.  I started an at home business, only to find that a few weeks into it, I would lose a friend who thought I was just trying to make money off of her.  I got into a fender bender which, wouldn’t have been an issue if it hadn’t been a corporate car, but since it is, we will have to pay to get it fixed.  And all through this I’ve been fighting a cold and a nasty UTI.

I have a job now–two, in fact.  A nannying one close to where I live and a substitute teaching job.  But…it’s not what I was hoping for.  And I know…that makes me sound petty.  I feel awful.  I wish I could get rid of the grief I feel at being unable to pursue my passion for design right now.  I wish I could find fulfillment in simply supporting my husband through school.  But, so far, I’ve been unable to.

Although I paint a life of despair, there have been highlights of the mercy of my God in these past two weeks.  For instance, I did have a strong warning the morning of my car accident that I would indeed be in one, and that I needed to stop and say a prayer for safety.  Had I not done that, and had a merciful God not reached out to me that morning, I don’t know how much worse that car accident could have been.  As it is, I ran into some really nice folks who even knew how to fix my cracked taillight.  So that was a blessing.

I know God is there.  And that is the only thing that has brought me comfort as I have descended into the depths of despair these past few days.  I have tried to fight it.  But I’m afraid to say it is beyond my capacity to “just be happy” at the moment.  I need time to grieve all the loss and hurt I have felt these past two weeks.  I don’t know how long it will take, but I know with the help of the Savior that I will see the light again eventually.

I want to thank all of those who have been endlessly patient with me during this time.  I know it’s not easy to be around someone who has found herself in the pits of despair.

To those of you who are also struggling, hang in there.  It looks rough now, but soon the turmoil will end, and you will find yourself basking in the light once again.

‘Til next time.

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