I’m a planner. That is, I like to plan. Whenever something is bothering me, or stressing me out, I like to plan it out. For example, for the last five years of my college experience, I have–without fail–done an extensive budget forecast for the upcoming school year. Of course, this is obviously a great asset to my finances, as it ensures I am using my money wisely. But let’s be real here–the reason I’m doing an extensive budget is to ensure my brain that, no, despite what it might think, I will not be becoming a homeless hobo in the next six months.
As my last statement may attest to, laughing at my brain is one of my life hobbies. I’ll admit, laughing at the silly worries my brain conjures up is one of the major ways I keep myself both sane and entertained at the same time. But sometimes, laughing at the thoughts can become hard. Worries about finances, unemployment, life plans, future motherhood are not quite as easy to laugh off.
Hence why I write today, at 2 AM in the morning.
Graduation is coming upon me. And let me just say, senioritis is real. With less than three weeks of school left, I have found that paying attention in lecture has become increasingly difficult. I mean, the business classes I am currently taking are great and all, but my brain increasingly seems to ask, “Who cares? You’re becoming a designer! No need for all this stuff on business, it’s not like you’re hoping to start your own someday…oh, wait, you do…”
But lately, I have found my thoughts to be increasingly obsessed with the future: What will designer school be like? Can we afford it? Will I make it into the program? How will I hold a job and do intense coursework at the same time? *Gasp* What if I can’t find a job?? What if I don’t make it into the program??? And what about that baby thing? All my other married friends are having one, why aren’t I? How will I support my school going husband financially with a job and have a baby all at the same time???
Needless to say, I’ve been a little stressed lately. And it all ties back to being a planner. With all the aforementioned questions, I don’t have the answer yet. And, most likely, it’ll still be a little while longer before I do. And, without answers, I can’t plan. Without a plan, sane me turns into a stressed-out-can’t-sleep me.
Earlier today, though, I found some peace. While saying my prayer over my food, I was reminded of the scripture in which Christ says, “Oh thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (Matthew 14:31). And I was reminded that maybe, at this moment, it’s okay that I don’t have a plan, because God does.
Don’t get me wrong, having this revelation did not suddenly make all of my worries go away. In truth, I honestly feel as if I’m at the edge of the darkness, anxiously awaiting for my impending graduation to push me into it. But yet, I feel a bit of peace. It’s hard in life to not know all the answers. It makes us angry, upset, sorrowful, anxious, depressed, and a whole other host of emotions. But the thing is, we aren’t waiting in the darkness alone. We don’t have to face those feelings alone. This is because there is One who knows exactly how we feel–our Savior, Jesus Christ. And I know that, as we look to Him, even in the midst of turmoil, we can find peace.
To say I am anxious about my future is an understatement. And I have a feeling that I am not the only one in the world who feels this way.
Honestly, though, it’s a bit of a blessing that I have so many opportunities in front of me to choose from. I am very blessed to be in the situation I am. Of course, having so many decisions certainly makes the current moment difficult, but I know that as I do my best to navigate the path in front of me, that there is One who, if I trust in Him, will help me find the way.
To close, I want to share the chorus of the song “I am a Child of God,” which states, “Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find the way. Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday.”